you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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