Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
