It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
