I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize