I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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