So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
