it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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