Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
