cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
