She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
