I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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