when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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