I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
