I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
