You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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