I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
