I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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