there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
