Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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