Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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