Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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