i would punch a child for taco bell
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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