I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
