Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
