Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
