How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
