My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
