it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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