Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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