I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize