Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
