you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The Olympian is in my bed
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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