I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
