R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
