Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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