I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize