mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
