Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
