Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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