I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
