I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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