she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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