It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
