well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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