I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
