Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Houston, we have a squirter
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
