she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
