I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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