i already hear my dad disowning me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
