i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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