you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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