batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
