Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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