I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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