I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
