you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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