I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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