Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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