You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
