I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
