I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
