I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
