So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
