I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
